top of page

How to Improve Communication in Marriage

Writer's picture: Rachel JonesRachel Jones

At our couples therapy practice, one of the biggest challenges is how couples communicate with one another. People come to therapy for all sorts of reasons whether that be because they are no longer having sex, they keep fighting about how to raise the kids, or they feel like they have become roommates. While these reasons do not specifically talk about communication, we know that resolving any of them requires the ability to communicate effectively with one another. When you commit to improving communication in your marriage you will see a direct impact on how you navigate all areas of your life together.


Why Do Couples Struggle with Communication


Learning how to communicate begins the minute we are born. Our parents teach us what communication can look like, feel like, and what it is. Some of us grow up with great models of communication and others of us do not. Our community and environment also begin to shape how we communicate. How did our friends communicate with us? Teachers? Mentors? Extended Family Members? We begin taking in all of these examples and models and they start to shape our way of communicating. 


For most people they do not spend time thinking about how they are communicating, whether it is working, and if there are ways they can improve it which leads us to the struggle of communication in our marriage. Marriage brings two people from different backgrounds with different examples of how to communicate together. It may seem like things are fine in the beginning but over time couples begin to realize that their ways of communicating don’t always work well. The way they are communicating is what has been familiar to them–the idea of changing it or improving it requires effort and sometimes we do not want to put that effort in. We want our partner to be the one to change how they communicate and we can find ourselves in a stand-off with our partner. 


An area that is looked over often when it comes to communication is that listening is a huge component of the art of communication. You can be a well-spoken individual, but can struggle with learning how to listen well. To improve communication in marriage, you have to develop the skill of speaking directly and specifically as well as the ability to listen deeply and curiously. Many couples miss the importance of listening and often we find as couples therapist this is the area they struggle the most with. We see many couples who think they are listening when their partner is communicating with them and the reality is that they are listening to respond instead of listening to understand. Couples must choose to listen to understand first in order to help improve their communication together.


Improving communication in marriage is a life-long commitment between partners. 


While the reasons your communication is challenging is important to explore, focusing on actions to help improve it is equally important.


How to Improve Communication in Your Marriage Today:

  1. Start with reflecting on how you learned to communicate.

    1. What did your parents model?

    2. What did you learn from other relationships about communication?

    3. Who are the people in your life you feel you communicate the best with? What makes you feel that? How would you describe what you do and what they do to allow the communication to go well?

    4. What did you learn about listening and how you show someone you are listening?

    5. What are the areas you struggle with the most when it comes to communicating with your partner? What are the areas your partner struggles with the most?

    6. What are topics or themes that occur between the two of you that you would say are challenges for communicating well with your partner?

  2. After reflecting and talking with your partner about your responses to the questions above, pull out actionable steps you can both take to improve your communication together.

    1. What I want you each to do here is to identify 1-3 autonomous goals you have for yourself for improving communication with your partner. An autonomous goal means it is for you and can be achieved by you even if your partner did not do anything to change on their end. 

      1. For Example: My autonomous goal to improve communication and be a more active listener with my husband is to put my cell phone in the other room so that I can reduce any distractions I may have when he is talking with me and I am to be listening. OR I commit to asking my partner what his highs and lows were each day to show initiative in connecting with him and to practice actively listening to what he is sharing.

    2. Once you map out the goals you each have, you want to make sure you have action steps that are specific, realistic, and achievable for yourself. Often times we set lofty goals for ourselves and end up failing because they were not realistic to begin with. S.M.A.R.T. goals are great to implement here. 

    3. Request accountability from your partner with your goals–seek out their support in making this change together. “I would like to request accountability on my goal of putting my phone in the other room when we are talking. If you see my phone in my hand or next me, will you gently remind me to put it away?”


These first two steps give you a great foundation to begin to improve communication together. In addition to this, we want to dive you two skills to help improve speaking directly and specifically and the ability to listen deeply and curiously. 


Speaking Directly and Specifically

 

When it comes to improving your communication together, learning how to speak directly, specifically, and concisely is important. Most of us are storytellers by nature which can be helpful at times, but when it comes to communicating about an area that you want to be seen and heard well in your marriage, storytelling is not always the best approach. We recommend implementing the following when you are communicating a need, a hurt or a request to your partner. 


I need/I feel/I would like or want or request…..(fill in the rest)


  • I need more time together where we are having fun and connecting without distractions.

  • I feel hurt when you are on your phone and I am sharing something important about my day with you.

  • I would like to talk about where we can travel for our family vacation this year.


We like to use the phrase “less is more” when it comes to communication in these categories with your partner. When we add too much information or say too much, it impacts our partner's ability to hear us well and understand what we are saying.


Once you share the need, feeling, or request, allow your partner to reflect what you heard.


If I heard you correctly, you said….(fill in what you heard your partner say).


If your partner heard you correctly, you can say “You got it, that’s right, yes, you heard me.”


These two steps ensure you are improving your communication with your partner and also practicing the active listening pieces.


Listening deeply and curiously


What you can do after those first two steps is begin to engage in deeper listening with your partner.


If you are the partner listening and you have reflected back on what your partner shared and they feel you understood it, you can then empathize and validate what they are bringing to you. Here’s an example:


  • It makes sense you want to have more fun and time together without distractions. You want to feel connected and the distractions impact that. 


  • I can understand how my phone can get in the way of me hearing how your day is and that you feel hurt when I am not listening as well as I could be.


  • I can see that planning our travel for this year would help you feel like we have a plan and that we can work together on it. It makes sense since I know planning gives you peace.


We always like to highlight with our couples that empathizing and validating your partner's point of view does not mean you agree with them. It simply means that you have stepped out of your shoes into their own and are trying to make sense of and help them feel seen. You can still feel differently or see it differently.


Listening curiously requires being curious about your partner's position on a topic. You show curiosity by asking open-ended questions and being an active listener. Some examples of this could be:


  • Can you help me understand what having time together without distractions looks like to you?


  • I want to know more about what you feel when I am on my phone. Would you mind saying more?


  • I would like to know what ideas you have for travel opportunities for this year from your perspective. Could you share?


While what we have shared here to improve communication is not an all-inclusive list of steps, it is a great step to begin with in your marriage.


Improving your communication in your marriage is a life-long process. Both partners need to be open and willing to commit to mastering the art of communication together and explore what are each of their parts in the process. Taking time to work individually and together will help you begin to reduce the misunderstandings and miscommunications that can occur that lead to disconnection. Start working on your communication skills today and stop waiting for a later start date. If you find yourself needing support with improving your communication in your marriage, our team would love to connect with you and learn more about how we can assist you. Reach out today for a free 20-minute consultation.


Want to explore more about improving communication? Check our previous posts:

 




0 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


©2025 by Connected Couples Counseling. Proudly created with Wix.com   

Privacy Policy  Terms and Conditions Disclaimers

Rachel Elder is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com

2855 SW 106th St. Seattle, WA 98146

Seven-Principles-Leader-Badge-1-
DC_Certified_Badge_Rachel Elder
BBH Badge
Therapist Network Badge
bottom of page