Communication challenges in a relationship are more than just speaking more effectively and directly with your partner, it is also learning how to listen better and with a focus on listening to understand. You need to break these listening barriers for better communication below.
Here are 10 Common Listening Blocks getting in the way of better communication with your partner:
Blocks to Listening (McKay, M., Fanning, P., and Paleg, K. 1994, p12-14)
Mind Reading: disregarding or distrusting what your partner is saying and instead trying to figure out what they “really mean.” You give too much importance to subtle cues such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and posture. You ignore the actual content of what your partner is saying in favor of your assumptions and hunches. You ignore the obvious in favor of the imaginary.
Rehearsing: you’re so busy rehearsing what you will say next that you do not hear what your partner is saying.
Filtering: you listen to some things but not others. You may listen for signs your partner is angry or sad and then tune out when you sense that your partner is okay and that you aren’t expected to respond to any emotional trouble. You may also exclude things you do not want to hear.
Judging: you have stopped listening to your partner because of some negative judgment or you only listen to assign blame and put negative labels on your partner.
Daydreaming: everyone’s attention wanders. If you find it challenging to pay attention to your partner you may find you are avoiding contact or certain topics.
Advising: your partner barely has time to speak a complete sentence before you jump in with your advice. You search for the right solution and your urge to fix everything defeats you to your partner's simple need to be heard.
Sparring: You listen only to disagree, argue, and debate. You take a position and defend it, regardless of what your partner says.
Being Right: this block protects you from hearing anything that suggests you are less than perfect. To avoid any suggestion that you are wrong, you will lie, shout, change the subject, justify, quibble, make excuses, accuse, or otherwise fight for criticism.
Derailing: You change the subject or joke it off whenever the conversation becomes too personal or threatening. By misdirection or humor, you avoid listening to your partner's serious concerns.
Placating: You are too quick to agree. As soon as your partner expresses doubt, irritation, or anxiety, you jump in with “Yes…you’re right...I know…I’m sorry…I’ll fix it.” You are so concerned with being nice, supportive, and agreeable that you don’t give your partner enough time to fully express their thoughts.
As you look through this list, identify your most common listening blocks. Self-awareness is the first step towards change. Once you know what blocks are happening for you the most, you can then explore why these come up and make a plan to change them.
Another way to explore this is to identify the last 3 communication challenges you had with your partner and see if you can identify the listening block that occurred for you.
Make a plan to work on the listening block you have and to develop better listening skills for you. We talked about how to be an effective listener and communicator in this post.
What is your most common listening block? Share with us in the comments!
McKay, M., Fanning, P., and Paleg, K. (1994). Couple Skills: Making your relationship work. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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