Trust is a necessity for a healthy and long-lasting relationship. How we gain, build and create trust is unique to each of our relationships. Trust is immediately given by some and earned for others. When trust is lost, broken or missing in a relationship, a couple will have to take actionable steps to create it.
How to overcome trust issues in a relationship.
The first step is to discuss and process what has broken the trust or created a lack of trust in the relationship. Sometimes trust is lost due to one person in the relationship violating the trust needs in a relationship and sometimes it is lost or broken due to both partners not honoring what is needed. Whatever the reality is, both partners have to be willing to discuss what has led to the trust issues, be open to hearing one anothers experience and needs, and engaging in a respectful and kind demeanor through this. A challenge many couples face is a lack of emotion regulation, an overwhelming amount of defensiveness, and a lack of openness to listening actively. If you find these areas popping up as you try to process and discuss, we recommend meeting with a therapist to help faciliate these conversations.
After both partners feel they have discussed what has led them to where they are at, then both partners need to decide if they can step into the process of rebuilding trust with one another. Each partner needs to intentionally explore this question and provide a genuine, authentic response. Some partners say yes to rebuilding, but they are not truly open to the work needed to do it. Some partners say to rebuilding because the idea of hurting the other partner more is too overwhelming. If either one of you genuinely believes you are not able to step into the process of rebuilding trust with one another, you need to be able to name this directly.
If you move forward with rebuilding trust, you both need to begin to take action towards supporting the needs you have when it comes to trusting one another. Communication skills, conflict management skills and connection skills are all apart of this process. There is also identifying autonomous actions and goals that you each set that are focused on creating the relationship you want--these goals do not mean your partner will be doing the same step, they may, but autonomous goals are focused on supporting the needs you have for yourself and doing the work you need to do for yourself. This stage requires consistenty evaluation and check-in together about the actions you are taking and the skills you are building. How are they helping you heal and rebuild? Are the actions you set forth at the beginning still needed, require modification, or are their new actions?
While the work of rebuilding trust does not end as trust is needed always for relationships, the work will move from a strong action oriented stage to a maintenance stage. The maintenance stage is continuing the habits, rituals and dynamics that allow you both to have trust with one another. They are often small actions the are deposited into the trust bucket you have with one another. The maintenance stage takes the check-in from the step above and creates it into a ritual you have in your relationship to continously explore what is working and how you can grow together.
Rebuilding trust takes time. It takes consisteny effort and action. It requires openness and willigness to take ownership and to grow. Creating trust again in your relationship is possible on your own, but be mindful of the intensive energy and effort needed to do this well. Having a therapist guide and faciliate the process can help both partners set realistic expectations for trust building and provide insight on dynamics that both partners may not be able to see fully.
You can schedule a free 20-minute consult with one of our team members who are trained to help couples rebuild trust together. Email admin@connectedcouplescounseling.com
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