"Most people are going to have two or three marriages or committed relationships in their adult life. Some of us will have them with the same person." - Esther Perel, LMFT
Esther Perel killed it with this quote! When I read it for the first time, I was astounded. I had never thought about the fact that we all end up with multiple marriages. Some involve marriage to a new person and others are a new marriage with the same person. It makes a lot of sense when I think about it even in regards to the man I married and who I was when I married him.
When we first met, we were young, starting our young adult lives. He was a few years into his business and I was in my first year of grad school. I had no idea the amount of personal work I would do in my 4 years of graduate school and I know he had no idea he would have to do some of the work I was having to do on his development as a person too. I was dating a spontaneous, enthusiastic, life-of-the-party, go-getter, not interested in therapy talk. He was dating a country-lived girl, completely clueless to big-city living, a hard-working student, and an employee.
Fast-forward 4 years, I was getting married to a still spontaneous, enthusiastic, life-of-the-party, go-getter AS WELL AS open-minded to therapy and dedicated partner. He was marrying a master's graduate, more mindful of city living, a woman beginning her career after 8 years of schooling. In that same year, my husband was now married to a stressed-out, overcommitted employee who didn't know boundaries and only had one day a week off.
Today, we are both married to different people. I'm married to a man who is now a father and has a deep love for his daughter that he was not sure he would ever have. He is married to a woman who found her dream and finally pursued it completely, a woman who is better at conflict resolution and has a stronger appreciation for her body. A woman who is now identified as an expert couples therapist.
Who are you married to today? Is it the same person you met when you first started dating or have they involved? Reflect on how you both have changed and how you want to change for the better in your relationship. Our relationships are meant to continuously evolve so be open to the journey.
I want to note that often when the couples I work with begin to reflect on how they have changed since they first met, they can feel down about it and often sad at all the change. If this is the case for you, this is an opportunity to take how you feel and allow it to motivate you towards being the partners you want to be. Have compassion for what has led you to this place AND hold yourself accountable for changing the state of your relationship. Change comes when we hold compassion and accountability together. Shame freezes us when we have no compassion and accountability.
If you're struggling with the evolution, let's talk. There is help to guide you through this process. Reach out to our team at admin@connectedcouplescounseling.com
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