Why coping skills can only take you so far in couples therapy

Couples usually come into therapy with a specific problem. Maybe they’ve been arguing more since they had their first child, or perhaps they haven’t had sex in months. Whatever the problem is, it’s generally a symptom of sorts – the stuff that’s rising to the surface that is easy to point at and say “that, right there, is the problem.”

In the standard medical model most folks are used to, when you bring your therapist a problem, you expect to be given a way to fix that problem. But the tricky part about this kind of work is that our psychological distress isn’t quite as straightforward as distress in other parts of our body. Sometimes, what bubbles up on the surface as your symptoms is more complicated – even subconscious – than we initially realized.

Case Example: Let’s imagine a couple who comes to therapy because Partner A is having a lot of anxiety every time Partner B goes out of town. Partner B just took on a job where he’s going to be traveling for work more often, so this problem has grown into something that can’t be avoided. Now, imagine if the therapist began treatment by giving Partner A a breathing exercise to ease her anxiety, and instructed Partner B to check in every 2-3 hours while he’s away. This may actually make the next trip go smoother! It works on the surface. But a year from now, if the work in therapy didn’t go much deeper, the problem hasn’t actually changed – Partner A still feels just as anxious, and Partner B is growing resentful that they have to constantly check in while away. The couple has gotten very good at the skills and tools to cope, but they haven’t addressed the root of the problem. 

What this means for couples therapy is that before we jump into the skills and tools (the concrete fixes we’re used to getting), we need to understand and work with the root of your symptoms – not just managing your symptoms. Your body and mind are incredibly smart and adaptive. The symptoms you’re feeling – even when they’re really uncomfortable – are trying to tell you something. We need to listen to those signals before we get too good at dampening them. 

Coping is the Doorway 

While we don’t want to manage our symptoms before we get to their roots, there’s a both/and to all of this. The skills and tools you learn in therapy do serve a very important purpose: they allow you to regulate enough to get back into your body and stay grounded during heated moments. When tension is already high, our bodies are responding as if there is a threat present – we fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Whichever of these responses comes most naturally to us is what we’re going to do because the brain reaches for familiarity when faced with threat – even if that familiar pattern is exactly what you’re trying to change. In these moments, the regulation and communication skills you may learn in therapy are fantastic to have in your back pocket. These might include: 

• Box breathing (inhale 4 count, hold 4 count, exhale 4 count, repeat) with your partner

• Intentional timeout during a heated conversation

• Using “I” statements instead of “You” statements 

  
  

It's tempting to think change happens by trying something new when tension is high – but our minds and bodies don’t work that way. That’s where coping skills can be useful. Real change happens in what you work on after those tough moments through repair, and in between them when tensions are lower. 

Moving Past Coping 

Unpacking the root of your symptoms isn’t the quick answer, but it is the path that will create the most lasting change in your life. It’s the kind of change that won’t just help with the problem at hand, it’ll ripple throughout your entire relationship. It will likely even make its way into your other relationships, as a friend, a parent, a coworker. 

We do this work by digging deeper into the wound, instead of throwing a bandaid on a cut you’ve had for decades. You know the adhesive that helps a bandaid stick? In the heat of the moment, it melts. Our goal is to actually heal the wound underneath. 

Returning to the case example, what does this deeper work actually look like? We’d explore this from the perspective of both partners caught in a cycle, rather than Partner A owning all of the anxiety and problems. With Partner A, we’d explore what being left alone felt like as a child or in other prior relationships. We’d unpack with Partner B how helping Partner A with their anxiety might feel familiar, and might even make them feel useful. These are only examples of potential avenues we could go down, but notice how they are about understanding what’s really going on here, not just trying to cover up the uncomfortable feelings surrounding their experience.  

If you're ready to do this kind of deeper work in couples counseling with your partner, reach out to our team of Washington State licensed therapists for a free 20-minute consultation today. We have openings virtually, in West Seattle, and in Woodinville.