The Myth of the “Right” Partner

There’s a classic lyric from the movie Snow White, where the soon-to-be Princess sings into the wishing well “I’m wishing, for the one I love, to find me, today.” When we grew up with fairytales like this one, it’s no wonder many people are holding out for this hopeless romantic kind of love. Oh how I wish I could tell Snow White to stop wishing and start creating the kind of love she desires – which is what we’ll be talking about today. 

Whether you’re actively dating or have been married for 20 years, I’d venture to guess that everyone has pondered the idea of whether or not there is a “right” partner out there for them. Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly people out there who you will be more and less compatible with. But the belief that you have a soulmate somewhere out there stands in the way of the opportunity to create the relationship behind that fantasy. 

The issue with the myth of the “right” partner is that it tends to convince us that any friction in a relationship is a sign of incompatibility, when really, this is just the normal texture of two people creating a life together. Of course we don’t want the relationship to feel like sandpaper, but a bump here and there isn’t just normal – it’s inevitable. 

Below are a few of the reasons we fall into the trap of holding out for the “right” partner, and how we can shift our mindset toward something more likely to actually lead us toward the love we’re looking for. 

Relationship Perfectionism

The sneaky truth about perfectionism is that it doesn’t just cause you to hold yourself to high standards, it holds everyone else to them too. In relationships, this shows up as viewing minor imperfections in your partner or relationship as issues that need to be solved. But love is not a hiring decision, and often the person who performs best on your checklist isn’t the person who’s right for you in the deepest sense. 

In fact, John Gottman’s research shows that even the happiest, most stable couples have conflict sometimes, and most of the things couples argue about are perpetual problems that will never be perfectly resolved. Rather than aiming for perfection, these couples accept the imperfections and differences in their relationship as inevitable – and maybe even something that has the opportunity to teach them something. The things that bug us about our partners might just be an invitation to look inside ourselves and get curious about why they bother us. 

The Paradox of Choice 

If you’ve ever stood in front of the jam aisle at the grocery store scanning the endless number of options – raspberry, grape, seedless, sugar-free – and felt a bit paralyzed, you’ve experienced the paradox of choice. It’s a phenomenon that explains why an overabundance of options can actually decrease our satisfaction. Barry Schwartz’s book The Paradox of Choice describes the spectrum people tend to find themselves somewhere along: the ‘maximizers’ at one end try to find the absolute best option by checking every possibility, while the ‘satisficers’ on the other end accept an option that is “good enough” to meet their standards. Not surprisingly, the satisficers tend to report overall higher emotional well-being. 

In the era of dating apps, we have hundreds if not thousands of options to swipe left or right on at the palm of our hands. You may think that’s a good thing! More options means more chances of finding the best partner for you, right? This is the paradox we risk falling into. The pure number of choices can leave you feeling paralyzed. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a case for settling – but it is a case for recognizing that some of your desire to keep looking is fueled by a maximizer mindset that may not actually be serving you toward cultivating the love you desire. 

The Tension Between Safety and Desire

This point is most applicable to those who are already in a relationship, but find themselves missing the erotic flame that was once there – and perhaps wonder if this is a flaw of the relationship. Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity speaks to this dilemma well. She describes the fundamental, irreducible tension of intimate partnerships: the fantasy that a partner will be both perfectly safe and reliable, but also perpetually exciting, novel and never boring. Long-term intimate partnerships are constantly teetering between these two things: safety and desire. Ultimately, we usually have more desire and less safety early on, and as time goes on, we tend toward more safety and less desire. This natural evolution of the relationship can be mistaken as a flaw if we believe those two things should always equally coexist. This dilemma will happen in any relationship given enough time. 

The solution isn’t finding novelty and desire elsewhere, it’s fanning that flame intentionally within your relationship. When’s the last time you learned something new about your partner? What’s the last hobby or passion project you engaged in independently? How long has it been since you tried something new together? It’s a fallacy that we can’t rediscover desire within long-term partnership. It just takes intention. 

Shifting Your Mindset to Both/And 

A takeaway that's been threaded through all the ideas we've discussed is holding opposing truths, which is one of the best skills you can cultivate in yourself. Your relationship can be imperfect, and perfectly right for you. There are endless options that make choosing feel like settling, and you can decide to choose before you've seen all the options. You will inevitably feel more safety and less desire in your relationship as time goes on, and you can choose to intentionally create more desire.

The happiest couples in the world are the ones who have realized that being in a relationship will cost them something, and they've decided that what they gain is worth it. That's not settling, that's acceptance. The "right" partner might not exist in the way Snow White imagined – but the right partner for you does exist if you choose to cultivate it.

If you're ready to begin couples counseling with your partner, reach out to our team of Washington State licensed therapists for a free 20-minute consultation today. We have openings virtually, in West Seattle, and in Woodinville.

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