Fostering a Relationship is More Important than Being Right

Let me set a scene for you that many couples therapists and I experience when we are treating a couple. (This is a made-up scenario as well as names.)

Brian and Sally are coming to therapy because they have the same conversation, or what they call a conflict, over and over again. They fight about where to spend the holidays each year, and they each are great at defending their reasons. The conversation typically starts reasonably and ends up in a full-blown fight, with one partner leaving the room and the other crying. In this scenario, I am their therapist, and they are talking to me about this experience and how badly they want it to change. 

Brian: She always guilt-trips me into spending Christmas with her family. She says because we live so close to mine that they get all the other holidays, so her family should always get Christmas.

Sally: I think that’s reasonable. It’s one holiday we get to celebrate with mine, and your family gets all the rest. I think I’m being more than accommodating. 

Brian: You don’t even like your family that much. Every time we go, you complain about how miserable they are and how you can’t wait to go home. 

Sally: Everyone complains about their family and doesn’t like them to an extent. Just because I do that doesn’t mean I don’t want to prioritize time with them.

Brian: So you’d rather we be miserable for Christmas?

Sally: I didn’t say that. This is what you do–you twist my words and try to guilt-trip me. 

I could keep going…this is where I would interrupt and explore:

Therapist: Have you asked one another how you want to feel during Christmas, and what are the ways those feelings could be met?

Brian: I want to feel joyful, connected, and peaceful. 

Sally: I want to feel connected, calm, and happy.

Therapist: And what are the ways both your feelings could be met?

Brian: There isn’t a way. It’s either her feelings are met or mine.

Sally: Is that true? I think there may be a way to do both. 

Brian: It is true–connection to you means being physically present with your family, and that’s what it means for mine. So yeah, it’s not possible.

This could keep going, but let me highlight what is happening here.

My goal with the couple is to help them find a way to make both of their values and needs come to life and to think outside the box. I believe there is a way for both to be met, and you can see Sally start to lean into this. What is happening for Brian is what we call self-protection, or in this case, he would rather be right than happy. I am asking him to step outside of what he wants or what the past experience has been with this conversation and start to explore a different way of engaging. The ask I have is for him to be open to being wrong, and if he were, what are all the options he could explore? 

When I ask a couple to engage with this idea, it is common for them to struggle because they have not typically had a lot of experience in seeing another couple or their parents model a dynamic where both people can be right in some ways and wrong in some ways. They have typically observed that one person wins and one loses, which does not foster a relationship. 

As a couple, when we pursue showing how we are right or how we have the best answer or way to solve something in our relationship, we take a stance or a side and become stubborn in it. We focus on persuading our partner that we are right, and we do a lot to get them to come to our side. In that process, we tend to forget how important it is to make sure our partner feels safe and seen with us. That’s what we want with them, and we forget it's a mutual need. So we double down, get bigger, get louder, and stop listening. We essentially forget that fostering a relationship and having a connection with our partner is the ultimate goal, and we become an “I” vs “you” instead of a “we.”

Fostering a relationship will always be more important than being right. It is focused on creating the “we” unit and helping us honor and respect one another and what our relationship needs. Brian and Sally began the conversation focused on what they each want, which is not inherently wrong, but it’s missing the focus on fostering their relationship and ensuring they stay connected. They need to implement curiosity about one another and how they each feel; they need to dig deeper, under the surface of the conversation, to attend to the deeper purpose and need around the topic. 

If you focus on being right in your relationship, you are going to face the consequences of this at some point, whether that be your relationship ending, your partner withholding their true thoughts and feelings because they feel unseen by you, or other ways your partner may begin to pull away from you. 

You can be right about something, AND there is a way to show that with a focus on fostering your relationship. You can allow your partner to share their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives with you, even if they are different from yours. You can be curious and listen to them, as that is what you need to do with them. You can ask them to hear your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives and to be open to understanding where you are coming from. You can invite one another to tackle the problem, issue, or focus at hand together by focusing on staying connected through it, versus divided. 

Let me show you this with Brian and Sally…

Sally: I hear you, Brian, and I want us to both have a different Christmas this year that allows us to feel connected. Would you be open to considering what that might look like with me?

Brian: I can try, but I’m struggling to imagine how this could work.

Sally: What if we focused on what we each want and need more than our families' expectations of us this year? We both want to feel connected, joy/happiness, peace, and calm. Is it possible for us to feel that if we spend Christmas with just the two of us?

Brian: I think so, but I also enjoy feeling connected to our families and the sense that Christmas is meant to be with those you love.

Sally: I agree, and my suggestion is to make a plan to spend time with both our families without it being on actual Christmas day. What if we hosted both of our families together before or after?

Brian: I think I like that idea. I would really enjoy spending Christmas Day in our own way and then celebrating with each of our families afterwards.

Sally: Let’s try it out this year, and then we can share how we both felt and see if it’s something we keep doing or find another way in the future.

Brian: That feels really good! Let’s do it!

As you can see, Sally was right about there being a way to make this work for them. We also could have played this in a different way, of saying Brian was right that there wasn’t a way to make this work if they were both going to be stubborn–that would be true too. What helped is focusing on making this work for the “we-the relationship” instead of the “I-the self.” Fostering a relationship will always be more important than being right. Center yourself in this focus and see how you find more connection and growth together!

Want to hear a real-life example in my marriage of how I wanted to be right and how my husband navigated this with me? Watch the video below.