Where we come from shapes who we become, the relationships we will have and the future we will enter into. Our families are a piece of where we come from. They impact us from the minute we are conceived up until we step into our independent living. They shape us positively and negatively.
Our families are the first version of the relationship we experience. We learn so much from that relationship and how we attach to others. Attachment begins in infancy and is alive throughout our lives. This is a big topic in the couples' work we provide. We have to understand where we've come from to understand where we are going and what areas need to be worked on to not repeat the unhealthy parts of the past.
There are four known attachment styles: secure, anxious-avoidant, avoidant-anxious, and disorganized. Knowing the different styles can be helpful to know how you engage and handle relationship dynamics, but what is most important to know is that we all have insecure attachment styles of some sort. The goal is to develop a secure attachment and experience that style more often than not.
One way we look at attachment styles is by exploring the family of origin you have.
Where did you come from?
What was your home life like?
How was your parents relationship?
How did your parents/caregivers handle conflict?
What was it like to have emotions in your house?
What expectations did your parents have of you?
Were you able to be your authentic/genuine self in your family?
Another way to look at attachment styles is to explore the story you tell yourself about yourself when things are going wrong.
When you get in a fight with your spouse, what is the story you tell yourself about who you are because of the fight?
When your friend is upset with you, is the story you tell yourself about who you are because of their emotions?
Often the stories we tell ourselves are: I'm too much, I'm not enough, I'm too needy, They don't deserve this, They don't deserve me...
A third way of exploring this concept is to ask yourself:
Who are the people I feel safe to share my whole self with?
What environments do I feel safe and seen in?
When I feel safe and seen, what is that like?
The answers to these questions can help you explore what is needed to create a secure attachment experience and style with others.
To summarize, yes our families impact our relationships. There are many more ways they impact our relationship outside of the way we learned to attach which we will dive into in future posts.
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