Stop investing in your career more than your marriage.

One of the hardest parts of my job is watching the couples I work with struggle to find the time, energy, and effort it takes to heal and grow their relationship. I hear from them that:

• There’s not enough time in the day.

• I’m so tired at the end of the work day that I just want to chill.

• We couldn’t find a time to align our schedules.

• Our lives are too busy and full.

• This feels like homework, and I don’t like homework.

• We spend an hour (or two) in therapy each week; shouldn’t that be enough?

A favorite intervention I like to use is exploring how each partner or even one invests in their career each day, month, and year. So let me start by asking you—if you had to put a number to it, how many hours each day do you put into your career? Each month? Each year? And what about the ways you invest your energy/efforts?

I’ll go first!

Monday-Friday, I see clients between 9-3, which breaks down to 6 hours of active office time each day, but I probably spend at least an hour or two doing additional tasks in between waking up in the morning and school drop off and pickup/and evening activities. So let’s say 8 hours each day, which is 40 hours a week, 160 hours a month, 7,680 hours a year (averaging 48 weeks of work a year).

That is just the amount of time I invest in to my working hours.

I also invest time and energy by reading books, listening to podcasts, or going to trainings to invest in my career. I participate in networking and community-building events to invest in my career. I go to my own therapy to invest in my career. 

Whew! That’s a lot of time, energy, and effort going into my career. I can imagine you reading this saying, “I sure hope you’re invested in this work so you can be a quality couples therapist!” It’s important to take pride and ownership in doing a good job in our careers, and I absolutely honor that.

The issue I have is going back to the above. I truly get that a career and marriage are very different, and yet, many people will give their all to their career, and when asked to do the same in their marriage, they look for a quicker, easier solution or path forward. Here is what I am typically asking a couple to do weekly, monthly, and yearly to invest in their marriage:

Daily: 

1. Daily Questions: Four questions you ask your partner daily. 10-30 minutes

2. Contact Comfort: Hugging, kissing, making out, cuddling, your choice! 10-30 minutes

Weekly: 

1. Daily action steps listed above. 

2. Date night if possible 2-3 hours

3. Some way of learning together: training, book, podcasts 1-2 hours

Monthly: 

1. Daily action steps listed.

2. Weekly action steps listed. 

3. Review and/or plan for the month ahead. 1-2 hours

Yearly: 

1. Daily action steps listed. 

2. Weekly Action steps listed. 

3. Monthly action steps listed.

4. A weekend getaway together 48-72 hours 

Can you see maybe why I get a bit frustrated when I hear couples share the excuses above? I see what they are willing to do for their careers to invest in their growth, and I don’t always see them willing to do the same for their marriage. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know a career meets a lot of our needs financially and sustainably in our lives. My point in all of this is not to invalidate the hard work you are doing each day to set yourself up, your marriage, and your family for success. My point is to highlight that as much as it is important in invest in your career, your marriage also deserves investment without energy and time being the reason it doesn’t happen. 

We will make time for the things we prioritize in our lives. Mumford and Sons wrote, “where you invest your love, you invest your life.” And it has been a favorite line of mine before I had any idea of becoming a couples therapist. I want to encourage all of you to explore how you are investing your time and energy. Are you investing it in places and areas that are life giving? Are you investing in the areas that are a priority to you? Are you investing your marriage? 

If you are reading this and truly saying, “I honestly have no more time in my life.” I would ask you to hand me your phone and I would show you how to carve out the time. I would show you where you could remove things off your calendar to have time. What apps to delete so you have time. We all have the same 24 hours each day and I truly believe your marriage deserves at least an hour each day to be invested in.

An hour to tune in and learn about your partners day. 

An hour to spend time connecting and comforting one another.

An hour playing and laughing together.

An hour being still together.

Whatever you do with that hour, let it be with the focus on one another and the love you want and are building together. 

To have a marriage for a lifetime, to build a better marriage, to have more connection and intimacy, it will require investment. It will require prioritizing it. It will require effort. It will require energy. And it will require stopping giving excuses and starting to take action. 

Need help carving out the time to invest in your marriage? Our team is here to help! Schedule a free 20-minute consult today--text 317-902-6359 to get started!

Stop investing in your career more than your marriage!